


even when you had only fire to breathe, I know you were only trying to make it right (you showed me strength in my skin, that no one else could see).

by anxiouspunk



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I don’t think it’s too angsty or sad but I’m also not here to tell you how to feel, Mild Blood, POV Carmilla, Post Season 3, Self-Harm, but doesn’t include movie because I haven’t seen it yet, but less..intentional and more accidental, details are always only what’s needed, not gunna lie to you guys it's rough stuff, poor perry my sweet angel baby, so I promise no gory stuff here, this is more character study then relationship focused, this story doesn’t really reflect it but I love her so, title is two different yellowcard songs but honestly I forget which ones so whatever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-01-04
Packaged: 2019-10-04 01:21:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17294981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anxiouspunk/pseuds/anxiouspunk
Summary: It'd been one month after The Dean had been defeated and the world nearly came down. They were alive, but something like that doesn't wash away without leaving marks behind.Lola Perry was still figuring out how to come back to herself, and Carmilla was just trying to watch over her girlfriend and keep them out of trouble. Never did the two meet.Until Carmilla finds Perry drowning in scars left by her own mother, and she sees maybe they share more burdens then either thought.





	even when you had only fire to breathe, I know you were only trying to make it right (you showed me strength in my skin, that no one else could see).

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So I'm not sure where this story came from (I usually just post LaFerry), but it stuck with me. I adore Perry and love dissecting her character, especially considering what happened to her. It's also drawn out of my sheer need for the characters to actually INTERACT with eachother, instead of just having them stick to their counterparts. I like some of it, other parts I don't, but eh, it's at least done - so I hope y'all like it :) It starts off paragraph-y but promise it does lighten up. 
> 
> *PSA*: I still have Carmilla as a vampire, simply because it was convenient for me.

So, the world ending might’ve landed them with some scars.

 

Carmilla was usually above them. She’d learned many lessons of the cruel world, had experienced first-hand it’s sharp claws so by this point, she’d grown skin thick enough there were no lasting imprints.

 

For the most part anyway.

 

She had better bounceback then the others, at least. Only three months after the event, everyone was still figuring out how to put one foot in front of the other again.

 

Laura was still beaming. Carmilla had learned this lesson well enough that not even the world ending stops the blinding energy and optimism, quite literally. Laura had been in like a dirty shirt right away, gathering remaining lost Silas students, trying to scavenge resources, attempting to make sense of leftover chaos. Doesn’t mean, however, that she doesn’t get terrible nightmares. That she doesn’t wake up in tears because she thought her heart had stopped thumping – a new nervousness to her after becoming all too familiar with death’s doorstep. Carmilla isn’t good at making it go away but if there’s anything she knows she loves Laura so she holds her tight and swears she’s safe now, that no matter what would happen she’d be there with her.

 

Thankfully, it doesn’t happen often.

 

Her focus drive is Laura, but occasionally, she does notice around her peripheral. Much like her girlfriend, their resident mad scientist was hands deep in work once the dust had settled; their new eye supped up and running, they’d also built one gadget after another to ease the burden of rebuilding. They carry themselves with the same heaviness that everyone here does, of everyone who’s seen and possibly lost too much. It just didn’t detour too badly – which was, in a way, something you could appreciate. Carmilla kind of, in a manner that would never require her to reveal it, bizarrely admires the weirdo and all they’re able to do. The overlap between them is rather impressive – the both of them willing to bend the edges of the world and whatever else stood in their way, even what was good, for who they loved. Turns out they had more in common then thought.

 

However, unlike the usual tunnel vision LaF had on their latest project, now it went into their other half. LaF followed Perry around non-stop, always there, shielding and helping her in whatever way possible. You could always hear the invisible guilt screaming in the room. But frankly, goldilocks needed it, if Carmilla’s observations were anything to go by.

 

Though in fairness, Carmilla barely knew the girl.

 

She had better things to do then bother with the two pestering gingers constantly bursting into the dorm room shared with then super-annoying-roommate. She at least baked treats that could make you salivate from simply looking at them, and that was probably why Carmilla bothered enough to leave her alone. She also majored in German, and before shit truly hit the fan, she’d asked Carmilla to help her sharpen some words and conversations. She’d obliged because it was actually nice to speak her native tongue outside of just asking for directions from townspeople or buying groceries from venders. But after her mother took over, there was no more getting to know her.

 

Suzie Homemaker hadn’t really come back totally in tact. She’s quiet. You don’t see her around much because she’s tucked away in the room shared with LaF. There’s no more smell of freshly baked cookies constantly wafting around, no more leaning over in your chair so she could dust around you. She wanders around the temporary house the four have claimed so they could hunker down and mend things, not really going anywhere, almost like a haunting. There are other nights Carmilla wakes to cries coming from the other room, sobbing _it’ssodarkit’sdarkshe’scomingback._

 

She knows it’s not her place, which is probably better in the long run. Laura’s already worried about it, head in hands and lamenting about how defeated LaF tells her they are, trying to hold up Perry and wishing for when she’ll show signs of looking up, but instead she won’t sleep or eat and it’s like their friend hasn’t even been able to come back to her own body. Carmilla can only put an arm around her girlfriend and kindly chide, _this is what happens when your heart is too big for your own good._

 

Laura was her main concern, if she had any. No matter that even though she wouldn’t know what the hell to do with goldilocks, out of everyone here, she’s the one who can imagine exactly what terror her mother put the girl through. She has firsthand experience, after all.

 

So maybe that’s why she was the one who ended up in this predicament.

 

It starts with Laura, scrounging through the kitchen cupboards and wearing her disappointed pout.

 

“..That’s it,” she declared, closing the doors to the empty shelves “we’re officially out of stuff.”

 

“I think we’re doing just fine..” Carmilla mused, stirring the blood around her cup. Bonus of having a weirdo scientist nearby, is that they can get their hands on fresh blood without her having to go out and hunt for it, and, as Laura said, scaring the very nice locals who’ve been helping them.

 

Laura rolled her eyes good-naturedly “Unfortunately your stomach doesn’t dictate for the whole house – we’re going to have to go out.”

 

The vampire groaned, head tilting back “Do we really need to go out again?! Just yesterday we spent hours lugging dirt to fix the giant _crater_ holed in the ground – can’t there be a moment of rest in this great crusade?”

 

“Not unless you wanna appease your girlfriend because you know how she gets without a daily dose of chocolate.”

 

Laura throws her a smile, Carmilla left to sigh. At that moment, the door from the basement swung open, revealing LaF with a lab coat sleeve coated in burns and ash dusted over their hair on the same side. Laura blinked back and Carm raised a brow – in all this time, they’re still able to actually shock their friends, which by now should be impossible.

 

“What the hell happened to you?” Carmilla posed. LaF didn’t pay any heed, plowing forward.

 

“I don’t wanna talk about it.” They brushed away, starting to scan the counters and search through the kitchen utentils “You guys haven’t seen my swiss army knife by the way, have you?”

 

Carmilla snorted to herself “And who says sterotypes aren’t true..”

 

“Um, no, I don’t think we have – why?”

 

“Misplaced it.” LaF answered, shoving all the spoons and forks back into the drawer, looking up to them “What’re we talking about in here?”

 

“We’re out of food.” Laura sighed “We’re going to have to make another trip into town.”

 

“I’m confident we can make it another day..”

 

“Believe it or not,” LaF raised a brow to the brunette “but some of us actually have to intake food product to live.”

 

“ _See_ Carm –”

 

“So make McGyver here go then!” Carmilla glared, throwing up a hand to them “I have important time-sensitive plans of napping and doing nothing.” 

 

“Carm –”

 

“No, that’s okay.” LaF agreed “I need more supplies, and I was gunna get some eggs and milk, some coco powder maybe, for Perry too.”

 

Laura immediately perked at that “Oh? Is she baking?”

 

No one had seen goldilocks in the kitchen ever since...well, ever since. More often then not, she was walled up in the room with LaFontaine, and really, barely seemed able to remember to eat herself then trying to feed all her chicks. LaF paused their mad search, stiffened, eyes switching back and forth then looking at Laura.

 

“Um, well, not..planned – I was thinking more of it as an..initiative..”

 

“Oh.” Laura realized, quickly clearing her throat to sweep away the silence “Then great, a trip to the market!”

 

The two left not long after. Laura gathered her things and her grocery shopping list neatly printed out. LaF came stomping down lugging a bag everyone was sure they were going to fill with bargained parts; they said that Perry was probably going to take a shower and stay upstairs, said maybe she might come out with them next time. Carmilla resisted a remark that Martha Stewart looked less prepared to walk down the block then head into the busy town square.

 

Either way, this meant the house was (essentially) hers. She also had plans to shower, but if someone else was in it then she guessed she could nap first. She plunks herself down on the nearest couch and snoozes to her hearts content. One of the greatest respites after the chaos of the world coming down, was that the sleepy quietness of this small Austrian town came as even bigger blessing.

 

When she wakes up an hour later and still hears the shower running upstairs, she’s a little miffed. An hour was plenty of time. What now? She vaguely remembers Laura mentioning some laundry hanging on the line outside, and _wouldn’t it be nice if someone could bring that in_ in a voice containing several hints. Ugh. Fine.

 

Carmilla goes outside to the tiny linen line Laura has strung in the back, the many coloured articles flapping in the wind. Just because no one was here didn’t stop her from grumbling and complaining as she angrily stuffed her old jeans and her girlfriend’s nice shirts into the basket. This is how you know you really love someone, quite frankly.

 

By the time she’d done that and brought the basket inside, she’d killed thirty more minutes. She’s sure the washroom has to be empty now for her to get in. But no, the door was still closed and there was still steam coming out from under.

 

Now she’s a little more then miffed.

 

She stomps from where she dropped the laundry by their room right up to the closed bathroom door, slamming a fist down on it.

 

“Hey Easy Bake! You’ve robbed the whole street of their hot water by now, don’t you think you’re done?!”

 

She was met with silence. There was the sound of the shower head rushing water down, as well as the whirling of the fan, but Carmilla knew it wasn’t enough to drown her voice. Now goldilocks was just testing her patience. Growling, she gave another kick.

 

“I’m gunna give you five more seconds so you can rethink stepping out of there and so _I_ don’t have to reconsider what I’m eating for dinner tonight!”

 

Not even threats broke through. Well isn’t that just great. Carmilla could only stand there seething, debating how much she wanted to kick open the door or not. There had to be a way in – maybe some hot water boiler or tap she could turn off in the basement..–

 

It’s then, as she stands huffing, she suddenly picks up on a trace of something _very_ out of place. Furrowing, she inhales deeper, sliding closer in for the scent that was coming from under the door. With the vampire keen sense, and the familiarity, it didn’t take long to figure out.

 

Blood. That was the smell of blood.

 

Carmilla’s completely knocked from her anger, confusion and slight panic taking over. Why the hell would such a heavy trace of blood be coming from in there?! Suddenly, the taking-an-hour-and-over in the shower, behind closed doors, made sense.

 

She decided maybe leaning down and trying to peer in would answer this, quickly getting down to her knees. The bathroom was open floor, and it had one of those standing showers with the sliding doors then a tub.

 

Head to the floor, she could barely see though. The sliver of what she does get, shows her the shower door was open instead of closed, and she just hardly makes out a pair of legs and a torso, sitting on the shower floor. Why the hell was she sitting down? But the overwhelming trace of blood drew her eyes somewhere else.

 

There was red smeared over the ground. 

 

Small, thin trails of blood were leaking from the shower door way onto the bathroom floor; not pools of it, but enough to be worrying. Her eyes went a bit wide and she scrambled up. _Holy shit._ This was bad, very bad.

 

“...H-Hey!” Carm yells, pounding on the door more frantically this time “Why-why the hell is there..– what the fuck is going on?!...Hey, answer me!..” 

 

Silence, again.  She can feel her heart pounding in her throat, a million thoughts running a minute. There was no way that door was opening for her. She realizes, she’s going to have to do this herself.

 

“...If you’re not gunna answer, you’d better stay out of the way!” She warns, hiding the worry out of her voice well enough as she backs up. Carmilla truly didn’t think Perry had it in her to actually..do that to herself, but with what has been happening in their lives recently, there was no speaking to what could’ve happened, or what danger could’ve gone down inside that bathroom. 

 

Once she’s far away enough, she raises her leg and rams her boot heavy against the doorknob. It shakes, and with a couple more kicks and vampuric strength, it snaps and comes loose entirely. Next she has a hand on the door and  throws it back. 

 

Perry was in there for sure. Carmilla spots her immediately. She’s sat up against the wall, the showerhead pouring down on her and running water down her  stomach, soaking her. She  was completely  drenched, and the water  spills out far  across the floor . 

 

It was impossible to miss. Perry’s arm was laid over her leg, underside up. There was a massive cut from just under her wrist, right up to the inside of her elbow.  Blood was streaming out and mixing with the water, so much that the smell was overpowering her and she had to ignore the pull in her stomach. She took her shaky gaze off the cut, to the other hand that held a swiss army knife in the trembling  grip.

 

For all she’s seen in her life, Carmilla can only stare down at her. Perry was staring back up and she looked a little startled by the intrusion, but otherwise, there was nothing. The ocean eyes were red and watery, distant. Carmilla couldn’t see anyone there, the usual cheery light gone. Nothing.

 

This could not be happening. 

 

This was goldilocks. The one who bakes treats like your beloved grandmother and exuded sunshine and, Carmilla would even bet, could probably talk to small woodland creatures. Sure, she had been acting  _off_ lately, but that was just trauma – everyone here had been dealing with  that.

 

And right now, she could could not be the  _worst_ person to have stumbled into this. 

 

She’s staring at the redhead and she’s staring back and they’re both trying to find their breath in this horrible silence. She couldn’t do this – she _shouldn’t_ be doing this, damning Laura and LaF for going out, and _herself_ for not taking LaF’s place. The blood and the shaking and the complete grey vacancy written over Perry was something Carmilla was way too underprepared for. She doesn’t _handle_ stuff well – what was she supposed to do?!

 

She soon had to realize, it couldn’t be nothing. If she didn’t act, Perry was  _ literally  _ going to bleed to death right  here, or at least to severe blood loss. That couldn’t happen. 

 

So, Carmilla had to roll up her metaphorical sleeves. 

 

She tentatively  steps forward, without saying  anything, well, from simply from having nothing she could say. She’s nervous in every step that the girl might flee or drive the knife somewhere worse but she doesn’t do anything. She continues to shake and cry quietly as Carmilla shuts off the water, filling the room with an even worse quiet. 

 

Done.  What does she do now? Perry lay shaking, not even seeming to notice the water was gone. Her arm was still twitching.

 

_ The wound, right – fix it. _

 

Carmilla grabbed the nearest washcloth draping over the bars, finally  kneeling down. At least she doesn’t get  squeamish about this stuff, thankfully. 

 

From what she can assess, it wasn’t deep enough to need stitches.  _ Thank god.  _ That means she can just patch it up here. But it was going to scar and take serious healing – it would be ugly. She can feel Perry’s eyes burning into the side of her head.

 

“...Looks like you hurt yourself real bad kid..” She murmured. She was met with more silence. She wasn’t even sure Perry could say anything. She looks up, catching the glint off the swiss army still clutched in her hand. 

 

_ But better get that away from her first.  _

 

Carmilla chews on the inside of her tongue, trying to figure out a way in. She considered herself pretty clever, but gentle and kind approaches had never exactly been her  _ tactic.  _ She swallowed to clear her throat; there was still blood pouring out the  wound, it was smeared all over  Perry’s leg, and getting on her own boots. She had to work now. 

 

“..You mind handing that to me?..” She made direct eye contact with Perry, making sure to be as careful as possible while she reached across “I’m sure Einstein is gunna be looking for that soon..” 

 

Perry remained quiet. The empty gaze drilled into Carmilla, brows drawing and breath heavy, and it seemed to the vamp that it was almost like she was trying to grasp onto something. She still didn’t move her hand. Carm swallowed hard again, doing what she could to keep the gaze. 

 

Slowly, Perry’s fingers uncurled. The knife slowly started sliding down, and Carmilla plucked it out before it could do any more damage. The shower had at least cleaned off the blood so she could slide it into her pocket. 

 

_ Okay, okay, next thing.. _

 

She has to get her to the bandages. And probably out of this puddle and blood. Carm takes in another deep breath, gearing herself up again. She looks up to Perry’s vacant eyes, clear and direct. 

 

“..I’m gunna lift you up alright? Sitting around in this..well, it can’t be good for your health..”

 

That wasn’t great but Perry didn’t seem to be paying attention anyway. She has to move around to get a better grip, and avoid messing up the cut any further. Carmilla kne e ls at her other side, dipping  into the pink water, and just resides to the fact that she was probably going to have to throw out these clothes. She breaths in as she slides an arm around the warm waist, LaF’s old graphic tee  that was  soaping and sticking against her. The other, non-injured arm goes around her shoulders, Carmilla  securing it so she wouldn’t slip. Once she starts lifting the damp body, she feels the limp girl clutch her fingers  over her shoulder, gasping sharply. 

 

“Hey, it-it’s okay..” Carmilla tried to assure, tightening the hold around her waist “I-I won’t drop you, vampire strength and all..”

 

That seemed to be enough; Carm felt the grip eventually unclench. With the exception of Laura, nobody really had kept much trust in her since what’d happened. Suzie Homemaker was the only one with a soft enough heart to look at all that, not even be all that close to Carmilla, but still at least believe she would help her here.

 

Gradually  Perry let herself be led step by step across the bathroom, away from the mess. When  they get to the counter, Carmilla carefully props her against it, arms slipping away.  _ Great. Okay. At least she’s up.  _

 

She was still shivering, so the vampire swipes a towel next. She used it to wring out the wet thick curls that were barely kept up in the  elastic. She drapes it around her after; there wasn’t much that could be done about the soaked t-shirt and old shorts that were also probably LaF’s, but it would keep away drafts. 

 

“...Alright kid,” she sighs, ignoring the slight shake to it “I know you keep at least three different first-aid kits in here somewhere.” 

 

She drops to the cupboard under the sink,  sticking her head in  to rifle around.  Carmilla knows the kit is in the back behind the baskets of respective  toothbrushes and soaps, having seen Easy Bake pull it out on the other ginger twin multiple times. While she was covered, she slips her phone from her pocket and hastily pulls up Laura. 

 

_ \- 911 _

 

_ \- Get back here. Bring Einstein. _

 

_ \- It’s their other half. _

 

Sent. She snatches the kit and stands back up. She hopes her limited knowledge of first-aid could keep up here; it wasn’t like her species needed to know it that well. 

 

_Disinfect. It has to be cleaned first. _

 

Perry’s still so out of it, she was easy to step around to retrieve the previous washcloth laying by the shower. Carm runs it under warm water and grasps under the pale arm, wiping away the red streaks. Goldilocks still stood shaking and breathing heavy, watching her work thoroughly with the broken gaze. Carmilla just did her best to ignore that; it wasn’t about her hearing the sad sob story, just getting the injury fixed. 

 

She tosses the washcloth after in the sink to be later thrown out. Next is the  disinfectant she unscrews, dotting the cotton wipe with it. This time she’s a bit more careful running it over the cut, watching Perry jolt and hiss in pain. 

 

“I know, I know..” Carm muttered, tossing that out too “that’s the worst of it anyway..” 

 

The roll of ace bandages was almost out, no thanks to Einstein probably and whatever new experiment they have  up their sleeve. She takes the end and gently applies it over the cut, starting to wind it around the arm. With this as the last thing left it should be over soon, and hopefully, the others can deal with  it.

 

“..I-I’m sorry..”

 

That was something, finally.  It got Carmilla to look up, brow raised. Perry wasn’t looking back, boring her eyes to their interlocked arms. Fresh tears were pooling under ocean  irises , trembling lips pressed together. Carmilla had to look away – more and more, she felt like a fish out of water.

 

“..I’m..it’s – fine..” 

 

“I know you don’t want to deal with this...” 

 

That was even harder. Carmilla knew the girl was at least smart enough to know for her to say something like  _ it’s okay _ or  _ I don’t mind  _ would be empty. Carmilla doesn’t know if  _ mind  _ is the word; if goldilocks had injured herself on accident or slipped or even clogged the drain,  _ whatever,  _ then maybe she’d be more miffed. 

 

It was hard to feel the same way about  _ this.  _

 

“..I-I’m not –”

 

“I _know_ you don’t.” 

 

Carmilla stopped entirely.  Perry’s brow is drawn and her gaze had turned hard, and it wasn’t  _ anger  _ Carm felt off her, but something cold and steel that she shouldn’t press.

 

There wasn’t much more she could say, just keep wrapping the bandages. She couldn’t keep from glancing up to Perry to get a better picture, a better understanding. It was probably a dumb idea, but her curiosity was speaking way louder. 

 

“..Why..why’d you..do this?..”

 

She doesn’t say anything at first. Carmilla’s (for once) worried she’s honestly offended her. It’s what she  would get for poking around in messes she would be better to leave alone. Perry stares and stares,  back to looking small and fragile as she’s  lost in thought, stuttered breaths she’s trying to get a hold of. 

 

“I..I-I can’t get her _out..”_

 

The vamp  pauses, not quite adding that together. Her brow comes together, squinting up. 

 

“What..? Who-who do you –”

 

“ _Her.”_

 

Now Perry’s looking at her and Carmilla can finally see the hollowness shatter, the fear slipping out  and becoming all too apparent. Carmilla wasn’t sure if it was guilt but something hit her, causing her to look away, swallowing tightly.  _ Of course. _ What other her would it be? 

 

“..She...she’s gone but she’s not..” Perry tries to explain, her breathing starting to spiral more and more “She’s still _here,_ all the time. I’m..I’m trying to find me but a-all there is is her..” 

 

“It..it’s the first month back, you’re..probably just..–”

 

“ _No.”_

 

Carmilla looked back. She’d never heard her use any other tone then gentle. Perry wasn’t glaring but her face was stone and terror, not shying from her for even a second. 

 

“I-I can’t..she..she’s in my _head..”_ She’s trying to hold onto her words but they’re falling, cracking, her free hand going into her hair “I can always hear her, hear the..horror, she was speaking, everything she said of me..worthless, small, meaningless..I-I can’t even _sleep_ because it’s dark and then she’s _there_ and I can’t _breathe_ and I..I..” 

 

Her eyes shut like she’s willing for a moment where she doesn’t have to look at the memories and the nightmares, tears squeezing out and hand in hair tightening “..I  just  wanted...I-I thought I could get her  _ out, _ I tried to-to get her  _ out  _ of me  I  want her  _ out  _ but  I  _ can’t  _ because  she’s always there and I-I..” 

 

“Woah, hey, hey..” Carmilla grasped tighter, feeling how badly she was shaking, to where she worried Perry might collapse in front of her. She had a hand over her lips to keep in the sobs and Carmilla doesn’t know what the hell has gotten into her but she can’t swallow through her throat anymore. She can’t even look her in the eye this time.

 

Perry  managed to hold herself back  though, and slowly drew away her hand, peering up at Carmilla. Watching closely. 

 

“..But I know you don’t care,” she mumbled – not even to be vindictive, just plain as can be “so I’ll just..stop..” 

 

Carmilla can’t really be surprised by that. Everyone they’ve come to know at Silas and in this mess, knows if you want sympathy or someone to lean into, she’s at the bottom of the list. She hasn’t ever been shy about that. Yet, somehow, her tongue is wrapping around words and she finds herself speaking,

 

“..Who said that?..” She muttered. She watched Perry’s head fly up, confusion sweeping over how distraught she was.

 

“...You’re not going to start caring now.” She argued, still quiet as ever “You-you don’t want to hear someone cry over their trauma, about..about the darkness that never leaves or the abuse she would say, because they were stupid enough get themselves trapped, so you don’t need to bother –”

 

“You don’t think I know?” 

 

She had no idea why she let that out. Maybe it was because Perry’s words were staring to become far too similar. That spoken memories of lingering dark and the harshness whispered had hit somewhere like home.  Carmilla had let go of her entirely and was staring her down, her breath far too heavy and it felt like her chest had collapsed in. Perry could only blink back, about as half as surprised as  the vampire was. 

 

“You don’t think I know _exactly_ what that’s like?.. _Years,_ I spent rotting in the dark. I know just what it feel like, alright?! To forget the sounds of the people you love, how the dark has no end, how..it enwraps you whole, so it’s like there’s never going to be anything more then the black. It’s a death trap and it poisons you slowly.” 

 

Perry can’t say anything. Shock holds over the silent room and she starts avoiding Carmilla’s gaze, maybe something like guilt coming over.

 

“..Carmilla, I..–”

 

“And yeah, maybe she appeased me at first, but once I crossed her...– jesus..I know _every_ word. ‘Worthless, stupid girl. How you’ll suffer. No one ever loved you anyway.’ Sound familiar..?” Her voice gets more and more adamant, and she fears the emotion buried deep behind is leaking “She knows every word to say to shrink you into nothing and sometimes I _still_ here it, and _you_ -you know the most screwed up thing here would be if you believed any of it..” 

 

Perry all but stopped. Carmilla takes in a breath and she doesn’t know why this is hitting her so hard, why she’s letting herself speak ahead of knowing better or _why_ this is so important but it is, because maybe for once she’s found someone who’s been scarred by the same cruel hand and for some unseated reason she needs the broken girl to know this.

 

“..I’m gunna say something that probably won’t surprise you – I didn’t think you’d survive.”

 

It didn’t surprise Perry; she diverted her eyes from the brown ones, lips pressing together. 

 

“Because I _know_ her. I barely outlived her tourment, wasting years in the dark, so when we figured out she’d taken you I knew that was it. And yet, here you are.” 

 

“..You can say all you want about miracles – it’s probably a miracle we’re all _alive_ right now. But I still think they’re bullshit; no outside party was going to allow you to survive that hell. You did. That’s all there is to it – and you wanna call yourself that?! You wanna _believe_ her?! _You know what_ – listen to me –”

 

Carmilla grabbed Perry by the arm to pull her closer, causing a gasp and a stumble from the redhead. She’s wide-eyed meeting the vampire but the once killer hadn’t a single bad intention but just the deep desire to make this ignorant kid  _ understand _ , nails digging into the freckled skin and  steel eyes set to the ocean ones. 

 

“I did get on her bad side, but before that, most of the time, I wasn’t; she was..in a way, almost good to me. I can’t fathom what it would be like to spend all the time facing her as she truly was. What you went through. And I’ll tell you, it takes nothing but complete _strength_ to live through that. To withstand the manipulation and the torment and all the abuse she handed to you; it sets in and soon you start to believe it. It’s so easy to succumb. And you _didn’t_ – don’t you _get that?!_ Don’t you understand what that takes, and yet all you wanna do it mope around, feel bad for yourself, as if you’re nothing just like she wanted?!” 

 

She’s crying. She didn’t know when that happened, tears staring to pool under eyes. But she keeps going, Perry still  shocked and shaking.

 

“..I _get it,_ you want to be rid of her, scrub out the injury she caused. Maybe..if you ever figure it out...you can show me how. But..but to ever believe whatever bullshit she gave to you, to give in.. _that_ – you..you’d be even _weaker_ then I thought you were!..” 

 

She grips tighter onto Perry, head high and voice  iron.

 

“You overcame a _god. Nothing_ about that is small.” 

 

Maybe she was just hoping but she swears understanding finally washes over Perry. The emptiness fades from blue eyes and something of a spark replaces it. She can’t say anything and neither can Carmilla really but she keeps  gripping onto her, both holding on and filling the  gaping  quiet with heavy breaths. 

 

Carm knows she needs to say something but she doesn’t know what. Instead she stands there in complete surprise  from her words because they sounded something like caring and she’s trying to figure out how and why but coming up null, only staring Perry back down as they both try to realize the coming together that just happened – 

 

A door slams closed. 

 

“Guys?!” 

 

“Perr?! Perry!..” 

 

“Carm where are you guys?!” 

 

Carmilla blinks back and the stilted silence is finally broken. She drops Perry like she’d caught fire and stumbles back, trying to lean out the doorway.  _ Right. Their friends.  _ She’d completely forgotten, quickly wiping under her eyes. 

 

“W-We’re up here!..In the washroom!” 

 

A stumbling of hurried footsteps came up the stairs, chasing them. LaFontaine is first, the familiar look of upset and angered panic, rushing right for them as a concerned-looking Laura followed. 

 

“What happened?! What’s going on?!” They dove right for Perry and all but shoved Carmilla aside, thought not before hissing at her “What’d you do?!..” 

 

“I didn’t do _anything.”_ She shot back, backing away to make room and feeling Laura come up to squeeze her hand, squeezing back “.. _She_ did. Look.” 

 

LaF furrowed at her, after wiping around to Perry, hands grasping her wrists to hold her close. Perry had gasped the second LaF entered the room, fingers she could barely hold still gripping back onto them. 

 

“LaFontaine..” 

 

“ _Hey,_ Perr, it’s okay – what..what happened..”

 

It didn’t take long to notice, and LaF’s eyes drew to the bandage tight around her arm, fingers holding onto her grazing over. 

 

Carmilla swore you could hear  their heart  crack.

 

“You..you..” They could hardly get the words out, glancing to her with tears already forming “You did...” 

 

“...I found her with it.” Carmilla muttered, sticking a hand into her pocket to fish out the knife “..It’ll scar, but it’s not bad enough to have to go in and it’s been patched now. And, I believe this is yours..” 

 

She holds up the contraption. LaF takes it almost reluctantly, blinking back. 

 

“My..my swiss army...” They glance back to their best friend, crushed _“Perr..”_

 

“Oh my god, Perry..” Laura whispered, rushing forward as she was prone to with this kinda stuff. Carmilla started slipping out to the door – her obligations were over now, people who could actually handle this were on the job. They’d probably do a better job anyway. 

 

Perry finally started shaking off her shock. Her head came down to try and draw away  from her friends, ashamed.

 

“I-I’m sorry, I..I didn’t mean to make you all worry..I..” Her hands slipped from LaF’s, palms pressing over eyes and fingers tangling in curls, tears bubbling up “I-I just..I made you all upset, I’m so _sorry..”_

 

“Hey, Perry, it’s okay..” Laura assured, one hand on her arm and the other rubbing her back. 

 

LaFontaine stood still; watching,  gaping and glassy eyed, Perry breakdown. Quick as ever though, they reached up and gently pried her hands away, wrapping their own fingers over. 

 

“No, Perry don’t – you’re not..it’s not your fault..” They pulled her closer, into them, foreheads almost touching “It’s okay, _it’s okay,_ I promise. We-we’ll fix it, I’ll fix it, swear..” 

 

The close comfort, and the presence of her best friend, was all it’d taken. Perry fell back into tears, only able to nod with arms coming over LaF’s shoulders. They met her instantly, arms encircling tight as she fell into the familiarity. LaF had their face pressed into her shoulder while she sobbed against theirs and Carmilla could just hear the words carefully murmured,  _ it’s okay, it’s me, I got you now, I won’t let anything happen to you,  _ their own tears held down. 

 

Laura had stayed off to the side. Carm watched her squeeze Perry’s shoulder and then turn to her, teary and silently motioning her head to the side. Right. It’d be better to leave them be. Perry was getting the comfort she needed from the person she loved, who she needed most (and that certainly wasn’t the supposedly cold-hearted vampire). 

 

The two quietly slunk away, headed downstairs to give better space. They stopped at the dusty dining table nobody ever really used.  Carm sunk into her chair way too fast, a breath she didn’t know she was holding escaping and  head sinking into  hands. Already, she could feel Laura’s eyes melting into the side of her head  as she sat beside, a hand over her arm. 

 

“You alright?..Guess that’s a kinda stupid thing to ask but..”

 

“I’m fine..” She brushed off, heels of her palms digging in “I just need, like, a second for processing time..” 

 

“..You know, it’s okay to be shaken after seeing _that,_ I mean..” 

 

“I’m _fine_ Hollis – it’s no skin off my back, right?..” She pressed, ice chipping her words in frustration “I’m not the one who was hurt after all..” 

 

“Is that why you’re crying?..” 

 

Carmilla finally threw her head back up. Laura was smiling quietly at her, hand sliding down to fit into her own. 

 

“..I’d appreciate if you didn’t try to bullshit me.” 

 

At that Carmilla finally had to chuckle, a  barely-there-smile  cracking the edge of her lips. 

 

“Laura Hollis..you know far too much..” 

 

Laura smile  rose, quickly after quieting down “...Did-did she say anything to you..? I know LaF mentioned she was still having a hard time with..everything, but..” 

 

“It’s about mother..” She kept her voice monotone, picking off dried blood on her jeans “That she was still in her head, still...everywhere..”

 

Of course Laura wilted at that, worried gaze going back to the staircase where you could faintly hear small cries and LaF’s quiet words floating down. Carm smoothed her thumb over the blonde’s hand.

 

“Oh god, poor Perry, I-I didn’t even think..” 

 

Carmilla sighed roughly, head going back down  “I guess nobody did...” 

 

“..Well,” Laura turned to her, gentle smile coming back “I’m proud of you, for doing that..” 

 

“What was I suppose to do?” Carmilla furrowed, pulling away to hold up both hands “Let her bleed to death? If I’d let that happen, Einstein for sure would’ve staked me in the back when I wasn’t looking – I mean, whether they could is a different question, but I definitely don’t put it past them to try..” 

 

Laura  scoffed, almost a laugh “True, but, still, that was really big of you, to step up and do all that..” 

 

“I don’t know that the hell is so surprising – I mean, sure, I’m.. _me_ , or whatever, but it doesn’t mean I don’t know exactly what kind of fear she’s talking about and that I don’t remember the exact insidious voice in the back of your head telling you you’re worthless that you wanna escape but can’t so you’re just forced to listen to the torture day in and day out because I _do know..”_

 

She pauses, quickly pressing lips together and letting doors slam back closed. Too late though. The emotion and tremor in her voice was clear as day, the gloss over eyes that showed the human in her she’d always held down by the throat. She wished she had a better grip but right now her own hurt had been ripped open and it was still tumbling out – maybe it wanted to be seen, saying she knew the exact pain Perry was under and that even if it was past, it’s never totally healed.

 

So maybe she did scar worse then she thought.

 

And right now, they’d started bleeding. 

 

She curls back in,  hand sliding through dark hair so fingers could dig in, stuttered breath and closed throat.  She doesn’t do this.  _ She was bigger then her scars.  _

 

No second after, warm arms slipped easily around her waist. A kiss  against her shoulder, Laura gently pressing her cheek against.  _ It’s okay, it’s me, I got you now.  _ Slowly, Carmilla lowered defenses and welcomed the comfort, her love, arms grasping around her and laying her head over Laura’s, resting until she felt herself again.

 

Even if she  was reeling under the harshness of the past, there was no one else she wanted with her who’s love would make it like it never was. 

 

-

 

The morning came quietly, light sun and  it  otherwise peaceful outside their windows.

 

Carmilla was never the first up. Creature of the night, or whatever; too busy sulking in dark to bother with early mornings. Laura however, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed as she was, was usually the first up. She’d gotten up to rummage together some breakfast and after Carmilla couldn’t convince her to come _back_ _into bed,_ she was forced to follow.

 

No one had seen redhead squared since yesterday. Einstein had whisked her away and that had been that. Laura did try to check on them, see if they needed any dinner or not, but came back empty handed; said she found them wrapped up  in bed, Perry curled into LaF with head under chin and their arm tight around her, both asleep, and didn’t have the heart to separate them. Frankly Carmilla was  _ not  _ looking forward to seeing either of them, to seeing her – having to look yesterday’s events in the eye.  She was holding onto some secret, far-fetched hope golidlocks would just forget the thing entirely. 

 

That would be asking too much,  however. Carmilla was sitting outside the kitchen at the table when they both come back out, hand in hand, to see what was going on for breakfast. 

 

Perry saw her immediately (Carmilla would probably bet she was already on the look-out to have this uncomfortable conversation). She stopped in her tracks and stared at the vamp, as if trying to get a recollection of things. Despite wanting to avoid this at all costs, Carmilla couldn’t stop staring either, trying to gage the emotions on the girl. 

 

Einstein perked up too, a hand around Perry  squeezing – a secret,  _ are you alright? _ She looked to them to give just the smallest smile, a hand squeezing their arm  back –  _ it’s okay.  _ They stare quietly at one another and seemed to have a whole secret  conversation , and really, at this point, Carmilla wouldn’t  totally denounce the idea they’d developed telepathy between them. 

 

At that, Perry begins walking towards her, her second half slinking off but Carmilla’s sure, isn’t straying too far. As she moves for the seat  beside her, Carmilla quickly rationalizes ducking out, pretending to need to run off, already uncomfortable. But she’s smart enough to know that no matter what, she was going to have to do this, and maybe it’s better to suffer right off the bat then drag it out. 

 

Perry  slips into the chair, and although she can read the nervousness washing off, dire blue eyes didn’t  stray, digging into  Carm with all the magnitute that happened yesterday. Carmilla’s staring at her feet because if she has to do this she could at least look away. The silence showed Suzie Homemaker couldn’t wrap her head around what to say, so Carm cleared her throat.

 

“...You’re looking a bit better goldilocks...” 

 

That was the best she could do right now, as the conversation starter. It was true. She looked rested anyway. Less hallowed out. Perry managed a smile at least, pretending to  pay attention to furling back the cuffs of her sleeves. 

 

“..I know you’re not a big fan of hugs..” was her whispered start. Carmilla managed a brow raise at that. 

 

“Hmm, wonder what gave that away..” 

 

She hears a scoff following –  could that have been a laugh? 

 

“Or of sincerity, no matter..” Perry brought her eyes up, sincerity bleeding out that Carmilla would normally find disgusting but for some reason didn’t “..how I tell you that what you said to me gave me bigger strength then I knew I had..” 

 

That’s something. She finally  met her head on ,  colliding with glassy oceans and finding that same familiarity in there. She suddenly can’t speak again – and even if she could, she wasn’t confident in what she would say. Perhaps it’s all too heavy, the loud silence and bizarre understanding connecting the two staring girls, to really speak. Perry suddenly has her hand gripping onto Carmilla’s wrist – she doesn’t respond but she doesn’t squirm away either, and that’s something to the redhead. 

 

In the end, Carm straightens up and gives the tiniest nod. She can still hear her mother’s voice in her head. 

 

_ Foolish, small _ _ girl. You’ll never be anything. _

 

Well – they both blew that out the water, didn’t they?

 

This wasn’t going to be ongoing, both of them knew that. No one was getting together to sob over wounds and what she did and give sympathy speeches. For everything they’d been through, that was an idea just a little too far out. 

 

This was good though; both of them knowing, at least, they weren’t going to be haunted by their shared monster alone. That’ll do. 

 

“..But,” Perry took a breath in, a smile returning “..Laura mentioned that you like my triple chocolate cookies..?” 

 

Carmilla tried not to show it but her mouth started watering the second the words were spoken. The cookies were made from chocolate dough, marble chocolate chips and dark chocolate sprinkles thrown in, and they were inhumanely good – not that she’d ever  say that. Well, outside her girlfriend who  _ can’t  _ be trusted with these things,  apparently.

 

“I’m...partial, to them.” She managed, looking away to ignore Perry’s growing smile “...It is ten in the morning, on the other hand..” 

 

“..Well, I’m not partial to time constraints.” She declared, dusting off her shirt to stand up. Hearing that Carmilla couldn’t help break into a chuckle.

 

“Such a hard-ass Easy Bake..” 

 

Perry whips up the cookies anyway. They both manage to get some before the others come in to ruin it. They were gone in  an hour after LaF swiped some and Laura took about  _ fifteen,  _ but as they all stood around chatting in the kitchen and Laura entertained them by trying to balance a spoon on her nose, it wasn’t the worst. 

 

They’d go on their own ways after, as per usual. Einstein goes after,  surprise , another experiment and Perry follows to watch and read beside because they hardly exist without the other. And Carmilla will no doubt be dragged into whatever grand plan Laura has cooked up today – but, she did get the last one out of the batch of her favourite cookies before anyone else swiped it. She was pretty sure Perry did double then she usually made.

 

Yeah, that’ll do.

**Author's Note:**

> There you go! Hopefully that was good for you - let me know if so! I've got more character study fics on the way, so keep an eye out :)


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